| http://www.takebackyourheart.com/ An open letter to single women frustrated with dating the wrong guys...
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Hey Girlfriend,
Can I ask you something personal? Be honest...
Have you ever dated the type of guy that left you constantly waiting by the phone with an uneasy sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? Or a guy who made you feel bad about yourself, but for some reason you couldn’t leave him? (Of course, that same guy, at times, also made you feel like you were the only person on this planet - you know, that “hot-cold” type). And have you ever walked into a club and found yourself so attracted to one particular guy, you felt like you were in a trance and literally couldn't stop making eyes with him? If you answered yes to any of the above, it may be a sign that you’re susceptible to a certain “dangerous personality type” that psychiatrists have a SCARY sounding name for, which I'll tell you about in a sec... ...But first, I want you to quickly read through the following list of personality traits and jot down the ones that apply to either the guy you’re dating now or guys you’ve typically dated in the past: PERSONALITY TRAITS:
1. SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, and slick. Not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. He never gets tongue-tied and has freed himself from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. An arrogant guy who believes he is a superior human being.
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION (PRONENESS TO BOREDOM) -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Often has low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because he gets bored easily.
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, and will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever (in extreme form, he will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest).
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS -- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
13. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
14. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
15. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
16. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
17. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
18. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- A diversity of types of criminal offenses (regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them); taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
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Do any of these personality traits describe someone you've dated or are dating? If you answered yes, then you may be as surprised as I was to learn that all 18 traits are actually “clinical traits” of a sociopath (Source: Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, PCL-R; Hare,1991, 2003)... and IF you’ve dated guys with these traits, chances are YOU are attracted to or involved with a SOCIOPATH... yikes!
Now before you freak out too much… I want you to know that you're not alone!
I too was attracted to these kinds of guys (no wonder my relationships always brought me heartache and pain!)…
Turns out there's a BIG difference between a "normal" guy you might date and a sociopath (a sociopath actually has something wrong with their conscience - they either don't have one or it’s severely fragmented).
Sociopaths only care about fulfilling their own needs and desires - selfishness and egocentricity to the extreme. Everything and everybody else is mentally twisted around in their minds as objects to be used in fulfilling their own needs and desires.
Not surprisingly, parental failure (usually fatherlessness) is the #1 reason why someone develops a sociopathic personality.
Also interesting are the four distinct types of sociopaths (sound like anyone you've dated?):
1) Commons are characterized by their lack of conscience
2) Alienated are characterized by their inability to love or be loved
3) Aggressives are characterized by a consistent sadistic streak 4) Dyssocials are characterized by an inability to abide by normal rules
I know, I know... I was shocked the first time I read these too. Okay, now getting back to MY story... It used to be that when I went out, I'd often find myself attracted to one particular guy (and not necessarily the best looking one in the room) where all we had to do was make eye contact and it was INSTANT SPARKS… almost like some invisible magnetic energy was drawing us to each other… Every time this happened, I thought what I was feeling was PASSION…or love at first sight... little did I know that I was deeply attracted to sociopathic personality types because of MY OWN dysfunctional psychology. You see, although I've never really had any trouble meeting attractive, successful, sweet guys… I usually didn't feel attracted to them. I always found myself saying there’s "no passion"… or they were too nice or boring. I now know that my concept of passion was really my addiction to the wrong type of guys…It turns out I was addicted to emotional highs and lows that sociopaths bombarded me with that keep me hooked... in “normal healthy relationships”, there tends to be a more steady emotional ride and you don’t feel the intensity of the highs and lows you're used to and, therefore, think there's something wrong or missing. I was amazed to learn that our brains actually become physically addicted to emotional intensity and the more we subject ourselves to roller coaster relationships of hot and cold intensity, the more addicted we get (just like a drug). This happens especially to those of us who grew up with a lot of “dysfunction” in the home. And, of course, that’s why these encounters always led to unfulfilling relationships where I constantly felt anxious, got manipulated and strung along... I didn't understand why this was happening to me and a friend of mine recommended I go see a therapist, so I did. Well, it didn’t take long my therapist to reach a very common conclusion – I had a codependent personality (which apparently explained everything)... It turns out that because codependents like to live through or for others, have a strong need to “fix” people and tend to seek out relationships where we can play a victim role… ...and because sociopaths are so full of themselves and thrive on controlling and manipulating others, when us codependents and a sociopath get together, it’s like nitro and glycerin – BOOM! Bottom line: I knew if I didn’t do something about this immediately, I would continue downward on the destructive spiral that I was already on. Can you guess what I did?
I actually made a vow not to get involved with anyone until I got myself figured out and it was probably the most difficult part of my healing process (Seriously, you have no idea how codependent you really are until try to not be involved with anyone romantically for a while!) Now you may be wondering how a nice girl like me developed a codependent personality... Well, I figured this out too... It turns out that it's extremely common for children of alcoholics and addicts to be diagnosed as codependent because codependency stems from being abandoned (or abused) as a child and alcoholics and addicts essentially abandon their kids for their addictions.
Although I’m not an alcoholic or drug addict, my father did have a drinking problem and that was the likely source for my codependency issues.
Anyway, I decided to embark on a journey of self discovery with myself as my sole focus. I went to ALANON (the support group for children of addicts), I read dozens of books, took courses, took up yoga, starting eating healthy, went through a twelve step program… and become empowered and confident by focusing on fixing myself instead of trying to fix everyone but myself. I learned so much about myself and what made me tick, but at the same time, I was feeling lonely and for the first time, I really dreamed of being a great relationship... BUT, I realized that you will NEVER have a normal, healthy relationship unless you re-learn how to date. Think about it, after a lifetime of being codependent, you date like a codependent. Everything you did was to attract the “wrong guy”… and all the traits you were looking for and thought you were attracted to were traits of the “wrong guy”… and even though you may have achieved control over your codependency, you’ll continue to put yourself in the same situation because you approach dating as your old codependent self. It would be like an alchoholic fresh out of AA going into a bar every night for a cup of coffee! Not going to work! So how do you start from scratch and “learn” to date all over again, only this time, the healthy way? I eventually found myself feeling ready to try my hand at dating again. Even though I was totally aware of my condition, I was still attracting the jerk/player type! What on earth was I doing wrong? Even with my new self awareness, I couldn’t understand why I was back where I started. I discussed this with my therapist and she identified that indeed I had to throw out a lifetime of experience and behavior to acquire a new healthy mindset towards dating. At first it was a bit daunting, but then I got excited about the concept of starting all over again. I mean, who wouldn’t want a second chance? Well, after reading numerous dating and self help books including “The Rules”, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “Why You’re Still Single” and "Why Men Love Bitches"... one book in particular really stood out from the rest. It's called “Catch Him and Keep Him” and it’s not your typical guide on how to meet guys. This book reveals incredibly valuable and "original" insights into the differences between the way a man's mind and a woman's mind works when it comes to dating and attraction. It was so "eye opening", it changed my entire mindset about how to approach dating and men... The minute I started reading Christian Carter's book, it was as if this book was written just for me. It completely blew me away! Everything he wrote just made sense. There's just too much to explain here, so I've posted one of his newsletters on my site so you can see for yourself what I mean: read sample newsletter You have to agree, it's a totally different approach than just relying on your heart and your urges. And the fact that it's written by a guy makes it even that much more "eye opening". It really helped me change my approach to dating, and I'm happy to say, I’ve met and fallen in love with Michael - a wonderful and beautiful man who treats me really well. Yes, I still feel sometimes like I don’t deserve him. I’ve shared all of these things with him and he accepts me faults and all. So I want you to know that there really is hope... Based on my experience, here are the three critical steps you must take to eliminate these "dead ends" from your life : 1) Get Out Of The "Denial" And Out Of Your "Situation" :
It's time to be honest with yourself and admit you are caught in this cycle of destructive behavior. Then you have to make a promise of zero-contact with any romantic involvement until you get yourself straightened out. 2) Seek Expert Help:
There are many resources available to you at little or no cost. Therapy is the best way to go as well as support groups such as Alanon and Codependents Anonymous. It's way too hard to heal without an objective, qualified, and non-judgmental help. Once you feel strong enough to date again, its time to… 3) Change Your Approach:
The definition of insanity is when continue the same approach over and over again expecting a different result. When would NOW be good time to change your approach to relationships and learn how to date the "healthy" way?
Bottom Line: If you want to break the cycle of dating "Mr. Wrong" so you can finally find "Mr. Right", I highly recommend you download this ebook: CatchHimAndKeepHim.com and re-learn your approach to dating just like I did. Okay, I gotta run... I'm busy writing some more stuff to share on this site soon. Your friend, - Kiki P.S. Feel free to CONTACT ME at kiki@TakeBackYourHeart.com if you have any stories you'd like to share. I promise to write you back personally. |
