BlackRelationships's Xanga

Give Our Black Men A Chance!

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 22:28:34 GMT

Give them a chance to love and protect us

If only all our women realized that they are Afrikan women, the only real female beauties in the world. The following is from THINKING B(L)ACK ON IT ALL a 1998 publication. Bless You The FEMALE, as the ultimate in tri-dimensionally combined curvaceousness, requires that contours flatted each other in a flowing regal voluptuousness, without a hard, angular, or harsh surface. How could we delude ourselves into believing that pointed noses and razor thin lips could be the pinnacle of the BEAUTY that is WOMAN? NO!!!! B L A C K I S O U R B E A U T Y !

Follow the lines up a DARK BROWN FRAME, and you will see A crowning acclamation of Femininity. The tightly curved stains weave in and out of place As though to form a tri-dimensional lace, Whose contours halo a skull so perfect In lithe-like shape That GOD's own loving hand Most surly planed it behind a round full forehead That shades eyes as dark and deep as all eternity. Eyes aset like flashing whirlpool jewels On cheeks that glow in royal purple Flushed with life to flank curvaceous nostrils Flaring with an air of fulfillment To sit upon the face's center And broadly flaunt its lines Smoothly - roundly A million loops and circles A thousand patterns full and firm To compliment a pair of lips so voluptuously contoured As to make every word a song Every movement a chorus of expressiveness Each lip so full with love To frame those brilliant even teeth Flashing a smile of joy long past When ancient dark beauty brightened all the world A Past so majestic that all the torments of a savage modern Brutal Civilization can but mellow the beauty by adding tears. While Fair, Frail, Faces Fade with passing years, This Beauty Blooms Brown, Black and more Beautiful with each attack As though each grain of dirt in which it cheeks were rubbed Miraculously did straighten every wrinkled line And bore away all toil. Did brace you against the rain of degradation And winds of sorrows subjugation And made you strong, to bear the seeds That spread your Beauty, As your hips Around the World. Yes, I love you For you alone, by Fate Were held supreme To keep the Black man's head held high And keep alive our dream And now as all the shades of night, From Dusk to early Morn, Your face glows as a beacon light While Black men grasp the Horn That blows away the film of self hate. And Lo! A terrible blast is heard in every ghetto camp And BLACK becomes a brave new word that makes the boy a Champ And looking up is looking Boss And looking down is In And digging white is getting lost And Not digging us is Sin For now the veil is lifted up And now at last we see The end is not across the sands It's in our BLACK BEAUTY.

Author Unknown

Unbreak My Heart

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 23:25:32 GMT

http://www.takebackyourheart.com/

An open letter to single women frustrated with dating the wrong guys...

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Hey Girlfriend,

Can I ask you something personal?

Be honest...

Have you ever dated the type of guy that left you constantly waiting by the phone with an uneasy sick feeling in the pit of your stomach?

Or a guy who made you feel bad about yourself, but for some reason you couldn’t leave him? (Of course, that same guy, at times, also made you feel like you were the only person on this planet - you know, that “hot-cold” type).

And have you ever walked into a club and found yourself so attracted to one particular guy, you felt like you were in a trance and literally couldn't stop making eyes with him?

If you answered yes to any of the above, it may be a sign that you’re susceptible to a certain “dangerous personality type” that psychiatrists have a SCARY sounding name for, which I'll tell you about in a sec...

...But first, I want you to quickly read through the following list of personality traits and jot down the ones that apply to either the guy you’re dating now or guys you’ve typically dated in the past:

PERSONALITY TRAITS:

1. SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, and slick. Not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. He never gets tongue-tied and has freed himself from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. An arrogant guy who believes he is a superior human being.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION (PRONENESS TO BOREDOM) -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Often has low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because he gets bored easily.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, and will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever (in extreme form, he will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest).

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS -- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

13. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

14. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

15. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

16. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

17. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

18. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- A diversity of types of criminal offenses (regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them); taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

Do any of these personality traits describe someone you've dated or are dating?

If you answered yes, then you may be as surprised as I was to learn that all 18 traits are actually “clinical traits” of a sociopath (Source: Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, PCL-R; Hare,1991, 2003)... and IF you’ve dated guys with these traits, chances are YOU are attracted to or involved with a SOCIOPATH... yikes!

Now before you freak out too much… I want you to know that you're not alone!

I too was attracted to these kinds of guys (no wonder my relationships always brought me heartache and pain!)…

Turns out there's a BIG difference between a "normal" guy you might date and a sociopath (a sociopath actually has something wrong with their conscience - they either don't have one or it’s severely fragmented).

Sociopaths only care about fulfilling their own needs and desires - selfishness and egocentricity to the extreme. Everything and everybody else is mentally twisted around in their minds as objects to be used in fulfilling their own needs and desires.

Not surprisingly, parental failure (usually fatherlessness) is the #1 reason why someone develops a sociopathic personality.

Also interesting are the four distinct types of sociopaths (sound like anyone you've dated?):

1) Commons are characterized by their lack of conscience

2) Alienated are characterized by their inability to love or be loved

3) Aggressives are characterized by a consistent sadistic streak

4) Dyssocials are characterized by an inability to abide by normal rules

I know, I know... I was shocked the first time I read these too.

Okay, now getting back to MY story...

It used to be that when I went out, I'd often find myself attracted to one particular guy (and not necessarily the best looking one in the room) where all we had to do was make eye contact and it was INSTANT SPARKS… almost like some invisible magnetic energy was drawing us to each other…

Every time this happened, I thought what I was feeling was PASSION…or love at first sight... little did I know that I was deeply attracted to sociopathic personality types because of MY OWN dysfunctional psychology.

You see, although I've never really had any trouble meeting attractive, successful, sweet guys… I usually didn't feel attracted to them. I always found myself saying there’s "no passion"… or they were too nice or boring.

I now know that my concept of passion was really my addiction to the wrong type of guys…It turns out I was addicted to emotional highs and lows that sociopaths bombarded me with that keep me hooked... in “normal healthy relationships”, there tends to be a more steady emotional ride and you don’t feel the intensity of the highs and lows you're used to and, therefore, think there's something wrong or missing.

I was amazed to learn that our brains actually become physically addicted to emotional intensity and the more we subject ourselves to roller coaster relationships of hot and cold intensity, the more addicted we get (just like a drug). This happens especially to those of us who grew up with a lot of “dysfunction” in the home.

And, of course, that’s why these encounters always led to unfulfilling relationships where I constantly felt anxious, got manipulated and strung along...

I didn't understand why this was happening to me and a friend of mine recommended I go see a therapist, so I did. Well, it didn’t take long my therapist to reach a very common conclusion – I had a codependent personality (which apparently explained everything)...

It turns out that because codependents like to live through or for others, have a strong need to “fix” people and tend to seek out relationships where we can play a victim role…

...and because sociopaths are so full of themselves and thrive on controlling and manipulating others, when us codependents and a sociopath get together, it’s like nitro and glycerin – BOOM!

Bottom line: I knew if I didn’t do something about this immediately, I would continue downward on the destructive spiral that I was already on.

Can you guess what I did?

I actually made a vow not to get involved with anyone until I got myself figured out and it was probably the most difficult part of my healing process (Seriously, you have no idea how codependent you really are until try to not be involved with anyone romantically for a while!)

Now you may be wondering how a nice girl like me developed a codependent personality...

Well, I figured this out too...

It turns out that it's extremely common for children of alcoholics and addicts to be diagnosed as codependent because codependency stems from being abandoned (or abused) as a child and alcoholics and addicts essentially abandon their kids for their addictions.

Although I’m not an alcoholic or drug addict, my father did have a drinking problem and that was the likely source for my codependency issues.

Anyway, I decided to embark on a journey of self discovery with myself as my sole focus. I went to ALANON (the support group for children of addicts), I read dozens of books, took courses, took up yoga, starting eating healthy, went through a twelve step program… and become empowered and confident by focusing on fixing myself instead of trying to fix everyone but myself.

I learned so much about myself and what made me tick, but at the same time, I was feeling lonely and for the first time, I really dreamed of being a great relationship... BUT, I realized that you will NEVER have a normal, healthy relationship unless you re-learn how to date.

Think about it, after a lifetime of being codependent, you date like a codependent. Everything you did was to attract the “wrong guy”… and all the traits you were looking for and thought you were attracted to were traits of the “wrong guy”… and even though you may have achieved control over your codependency, you’ll continue to put yourself in the same situation because you approach dating as your old codependent self. It would be like an alchoholic fresh out of AA going into a bar every night for a cup of coffee! Not going to work!

So how do you start from scratch and “learn” to date all over again, only this time, the healthy way?

I eventually found myself feeling ready to try my hand at dating again. Even though I was totally aware of my condition, I was still attracting the jerk/player type! What on earth was I doing wrong? Even with my new self awareness, I couldn’t understand why I was back where I started.

I discussed this with my therapist and she identified that indeed I had to throw out a lifetime of experience and behavior to acquire a new healthy mindset towards dating.

At first it was a bit daunting, but then I got excited about the concept of starting all over again. I mean, who wouldn’t want a second chance?

Well, after reading numerous dating and self help books including “The Rules”, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “Why You’re Still Single” and "Why Men Love Bitches"... one book in particular really stood out from the rest. It's called “Catch Him and Keep Him” and it’s not your typical guide on how to meet guys. This book reveals incredibly valuable and "original" insights into the differences between the way a man's mind and a woman's mind works when it comes to dating and attraction. It was so "eye opening", it changed my entire mindset about how to approach dating and men...

The minute I started reading Christian Carter's book, it was as if this book was written just for me. It completely blew me away! Everything he wrote just made sense. There's just too much to explain here, so I've posted one of his newsletters on my site so you can see for yourself what I mean: read sample newsletter

You have to agree, it's a totally different approach than just relying on your heart and your urges. And the fact that it's written by a guy makes it even that much more "eye opening". It really helped me change my approach to dating, and I'm happy to say, I’ve met and fallen in love with Michael - a wonderful and beautiful man who treats me really well.

Yes, I still feel sometimes like I don’t deserve him. I’ve shared all of these things with him and he accepts me faults and all. So I want you to know that there really is hope...

Based on my experience, here are the three critical steps you must take to eliminate these "dead ends" from your life :

1) Get Out Of The "Denial" And Out Of Your "Situation" :
It's time to be honest with yourself and admit you are caught in this cycle of destructive behavior. Then you have to make a promise of zero-contact with any romantic involvement until you get yourself straightened out.

2) Seek Expert Help:
There are many resources available to you at little or no cost. Therapy is the best way to go as well as support groups such as Alanon and Codependents Anonymous. It's way too hard to heal without an objective, qualified, and non-judgmental help. Once you feel strong enough to date again, its time to…

3) Change Your Approach:
The definition of insanity is when continue the same approach over and over again expecting a different result. When would NOW be good time to change your approach to relationships and learn how to date the "healthy" way?

Bottom Line: If you want to break the cycle of dating "Mr. Wrong" so you can finally find "Mr. Right", I highly recommend you download this ebook: CatchHimAndKeepHim.com and re-learn your approach to dating just like I did.

Okay, I gotta run... I'm busy writing some more stuff to share on this site soon.

Your friend,

- Kiki

P.S. Feel free to CONTACT ME at kiki@TakeBackYourHeart.com if you have any stories you'd like to share. I promise to write you back personally.

It's so hard to say good-bye to yesterday

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 23:03:08 GMT

Why am I still learning about life at this stage of my life? Cuz I'm not dead yet!

Ok, in relationships, you should be your mate's best friend. I'm still learning that is an important aspect of any relationship. In my marriage, my ex and I were best friends. That friendship quickly evolved into love and I thought I had the perfect man...then I woke the hell up. It took me some time, but that dreamed turned nightmare ended. I came out of it with some pretty hard lessons that I had to learn. Real hard lessons, that serve me even now.

I am in the process of a move and a major life change. I was getting rid of old stuff and came across the final decree in my divorce. I had to sit down and think about that for a minute. As I looked at my name at the top with the legal heading "In Re The Marriage Of" with my name as the "Petitioner" and his as the "Respondent", I thought about how we ended up at the end of our road...reduced to mere "labels" on a legal pleading. (remind me to tell you about the divorce papers I drew up for certain members of my family)

But a Sistah digresses. I had to sit down and read through those documents once again. I thought he was my life, my hopes and dreams. I remember when the thought of him set my very soul on fire. I remember how his eyes would light up when I walked into a room and how he would say his pet name for me. I remember how proud he was of me at times, when that on-going temporary insanity issue was neutralized. I remembered how afraid he was when he found out he was in love with me and how important it was years later to propose to me the right way. I remember how protective he was of me too and how very much he loved me, the only real way he knew how.

But I also remember how much I loved him. I thought of how I had his back in everything he did. I could yell at him, but damnit, nobody else had better do it! Being in the military, my blood would boil when higher ranking people would talk to him in a particular way. He began to know the look in my eyes when I was about to sharpen my claws on some "superior" officer. Yeah, that mug was gonna be somebody's lunch if he didn't sit his behind down and stop talking to my hubby like that. We were a team, that's for sure. And mind you, it takes real teamwork to make a relationship work.

I am still learning about relationships at this stage because I never want to become comfortable in thinking that everything is perfect. We have to continue to evolve and grow in all the ways we can. But we also have to sit back periodically and re-assess our mate's needs. They change we the seasons and the perfect mate is ready and changing to meet those needs because they have met their own.

In an ideal relationship, opposites really do attract. Soul mates are not soul mates because you are wildly in love, or think you are. I thought I was too, but he was not my soul mate. We were far too much alike. The balance to us turned out to be our child. We most definitely did not balance each other out as we should have. Those divorce papers clearly showed that part.

Soul Mates are your exact opposite in many ways, but so much like you in others they are actually part of you. For instance, I have a fiery temperment. I didn't need a husband with that kind of temperment. To balance my fiery passion, I need someone cool as ice. But with a coolness that compliments me, fits me. A coolness that can calm the fire, and my fire light up his coolness. That is balance. But the soul part comes in when despite this difference in temperment, you are so much alike in other ways, that you could be one person.

Got more to share, but the day is beautiful and I want to walk on the beach and think on this some more.

From A Black Woman To a Black Man

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:58:21 GMT

10 years ago, black men at the Million Man March made pledges to us, the black women. Have they kept that pledge? Further, have we understood as black women that we have an obligation to good, honest and forthright black men?

By Maya Angelou

The night has been long
The wounds have been deep
The pit has been dark
The walls have been steep

Beneath a blue sky
On a golden beach
I was dragged by braids
Beyond your reach

Your hands were tied
Your feet were bound
You couldn't save me
From the selling ground

We lay in the slave hold
Air thickened with cries
You lowered your head
Evading my eyes

The night has been long
The wounds have been deep
The pit has been dark
The walls have been steep

We stood on the block
Clothed only in shame
Then someone whispered
That we were to blame

If our skin had been pale
And our hair had been straight
We would have escaped
Our devilish fate

Our lives have been shaped
By that crippling lie
Yet, you were not guilty
And neither was I

The night has been long
The wounds have been deep
The pit has been dark
The walls have been steep

Today we declare
This is a guilt free season
Greed was the culprit
Greed was the reason

Voices of old, spirit sound
Speak to us in words profound
Across the years and centuries
Across the oceans and rolling seas

"Draw near to each other
Value your race
You were paid for dearly
In another place.

The hell you have lived through
and live through still
Has sharpened your senses
And toughened your will"

The night has been long
The wounds have been deep
The pit has been dark
The walls have been steep

I look through your anguish
Down into your soul
And know that together
We can be made whole

I look through the posture
And past your disguise
And see pride of race
In your big brown eyes

Clap hands
Together at this meeting ground

Clap hands
We have dallied over long
On the low road of indifference

Clap hands
Let us come together
And reveal our hearts

Clap hands
Let us revive our spirits

Clap hands
Let us cleanse our souls
Let us leave the preening as
Impostors in our history

Clap hands
And call our spirits back from the ledge

Clap hands
Call joy back into our conversation

Clap hands
Call laughter back into our dialogue

Clap hands
Call nurturing back into our nurseries
And romance back into our bedrooms

The ancestors tell us
Through a history of pain
We're a going on people
On the rise again

Make a vow of friendship
Let us take each other's hand
Shout Hurray for the Black Woman
Shout Hurray for the Black Man

Ase

May the Black Man and his Black Woman look through each other's
anguish to see that the original pain and the original separation was
not our fault and work to correct what we can, here and now.

With the Black Man and the Black Woman....."this is no ordinary love."

We must stand shoulder to shoulder to fight a war that we did not declare,
but must win at all costs.

Better Days Ahead

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:56:23 GMT

Alaafia my beautiful Afrikan family! Peace and Blessings to you all!

I was doing a bit of work and as usual listening to my
trusty stereo, which allows soulful melodies to inspire me. Music is not only my inspiration, it has a very calming effect and keeps me focused. I’m always on the move, so music and writing are constants in my life. But it was not until recently that I was even moved to continue the writing aspects of my life. I thank all of you for your kind words on my restoration and those who let me now they missed my teachings. I’m going to try to fit it in my very busy schedule.

Understand as a Princess and someone who is actively involved in birthing a new black nation, leading us all home where we belong, and taking a hands on approach to the issues we face at home and specifically the Kingdom of my father the Oba of Ketou, along with another of my ancestral villages, a Princess is tired! Dang, that was a mouthful! But know this, I’m not too tired to teach on anything black. Who gave me this authority some might ask. Olodumare, our Creator did when I knelt before him to seal my destiny before returning to this realm of existence. The reunification of all of the children of Oduduwa was the promise I made to Olodumare and the ancestors. I promised that I would right horrific wrongs done to us, while helping us to come together as a people.

You all know I am a traditional Afrikan descended woman, who believes the 500 year estrangement between the Black Man and Woman should end. Notwithstanding our obvious differences, I am of the firm belief that we can reunite and move on to build our new nation. First, we must understand how we got to this place and space in time. Being a repatriate, I am blessed to be able to see that my observations on what has happened to our relationships are indeed true and can be rectified, that is, if we are willing to work on the issue.

At home, I see relationships between our people, although most certainly not without their own issues, actually function for the good of the family and not one individual. I also see functional afrikan families, which leads me to think that black family dysfunction is actually based upon personal dysfunction. But that’s another story for another day. I want Black relationships all over the world to work, but we have to internalize the fact that we are indeed estranged and understand how it happened. Who toppled the black woman from her perch and throne? Who demeaned and humiliated our clan heads and left them no kingdoms in which to rule? Who left us all feeling less than human? Who tore us apart? Who ever told us that this is a war that we could win
individually?

We cannot win the war waged against the black man separately; we must stand together, back to back and take no prisoners! We are obliged to understand the foundational issues that separated us in the first place. Understand those questions and you have begun the process of healing. My work is geared to this end.

There are times when I get frustrated with my people, but for the most part, I believe what we all want as a nation is for the Black Man and the Black Woman to be able to speak to one another, to begin love affairs with one another. I’m not talking about our warped western kind of love. I am talking about deep, soul love that you have for your brothers and sisters. Until we can heal in our soul of souls, there can be no reunification of the black man and woman, much less the global afrikan family.

Gil Scott Heron is a brilliant man, with an awesome command of words and understanding of what is wrong with our black planet. His song “Better Days Ahead” has touched me and moved me to continue to do the work I do, on either side of the water now. I know this song has touched me in places and spaces
that have not seen the light of day in this lifetime. I look at all
the Black Men in my world with new eyes, different
eyes, and respectful eyes. They have had it rough and we have not helped Sistahs!

My Sistahs, with them at the helm, Kings of their own
Kingdoms, they can, with our assistance, lead us to
better days ahead. This is what is traditional for
Afrikans and these are the ways to which we should
return. My own Sankofa journey has taken me to the ways of our ancestors. I didn’t only “fetch” those ways, I now live those ways.

My beautiful Black Sistahs, honor your Black Man, you, the Black
Woman, is what he needs to understand this insanity into which we were born. You are what he needs to get him through this this maze called life on the black planet. You are what he needs to get free from this hell/jail called amerikka.

My message today comes from none other than Baba Gil
Scott Heron and moves me to continue to work. Internalize the words. Find the song if you can. The next time you want to demand respect from your brother, respect yourself first and then remember, he did not declare war on you. War was declared on him by the oyinbos. Don’t buy their madness. Their madness has become our death industry.

The song is "Better Days Ahead"

"And now it's time
To gather all the things we need to fly
To better days ahead
Just wave good-bye
We've better things to do you and I
In better days ahead
Just take my hand
You're what I need to understand
For better days ahead
With you I can stand
As long as you respect me as your Man
There's better days ahead
Yes, comin on…"

And they are “comin’ on” if I have my way.

Blessings All!

Your humble servant,

Other's definitions of who we are

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:45:32 GMT

"You are ugly"

"You worthless piece of trash"

"You don't deserve"

"You need to change"

"You can't change"

You, you, you! Aren’t you tired of others telling you about you?

Why in the world do we accept other’s definition of who we are? Why would we rather believe a lie

as opposed to the truth about who we are? Why do "you" an individual person with your own

thoughts and reality allow anyone besides yourself to tell you who you are, how you need to change

and how you may not even be worthy of being in their presence?

I have learned on my journey to reject labels imposed upon me, but it was hard work. Still is, truth

be told. I have to constantly remind myself of who I am, where I came from and where I am going. This is hard work, this thing called life.

I think it behooves us each and every day to take deep breaths upon awakening and move out of the

skin of yesterday. I don’t mean the far past...I am speaking of the more recent present. The one that makes you hurt so much more than you did before. While you are in an emotional turmoil, those who think they can define others live in a world devoid of feelings. The ends....your destruction and the loss of your sense of self, justify the means.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of who we are, our true self. We have to keep in touch with

that part of ourselves who really knows what we are about. We are each born with a positive

attitude about ourselves. Think about it. A baby is born into the world with no negativity about

who they are imposed upon them until what? Interactions with other humans. We learn the harsh

reality about self hatred, "playa haters" and rejection. We forget at this point that until our

interaction with the one person whose words cut first and deepest with their negative thoughts that

we forget we ever had a positive one in our lives. It’s easy to forget your own path when someone

else’s collides dead on with ours huh? That first negative reaction sets the stage for many of us who

will later struggle with issues of self esteem. Each consecutive action or reaction piles on top of the

first until we are filled with labels that are really lies.

This has been a wonderful time for me. I am connected with my center and well on a path of

wholistic living. I am fully aware of who I am each day I wake up and humble myself before my

ancestors and Olodumare. It is humbling to me to see others reach out to me, wanting to be in my

space, sit next to me, or hear what words I will say next. I remember back to the day when I neve

thought anyone would want to hear my voice, let alone a thought that came into my head. That was

the result of allowing others to program me instead of my remembering that I came here

programmed under my own steam.

The hour is quickly approaching when I will kneel before my ancestors to celebrate the life of my birth mother. On the 18th, I will bow and remember the tragic day of her murder and how her allowing others and in particular, that one, to define her reality. On the 19th I will celebrate her birth the day she choose to come into this world full of hope and promise and was left lost and turned out in a world that did not give a flying damn about her.

I am reflective in this moment, as I remember how she could not let go of the labels others placed on her. I remember how she imposed upon me, her own child her realilty about me out of her pain.

I work with so many woman who have been deeply hurt and that hurt is so ingrained in them they don't know any other emotion. I will pray for each of you as I go before my own ancestors, that you will one day find your way out of your own cycle of pain, inflicted upon you by others in pain, who are so far gone, they dont' even feel it.

Take deep cleansing breaths and move on....it gets better from here.

Beautiful Black Men

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 18:45:03 GMT

Beautiful Black Men

Olufemi Baina Ayo

These are words from a sista’s heart

You are like priceless works of art

Rare & beautiful treasure

You are admired for more than physical pleasure

I love your deep brown eyes, and your full lips

Your muscular hands on my luscious hips

You are a vision of perfection

You are clean and pure from

The devil’s infection

Black men, you are beautiful

You are the ones I want to build

A perfect creation, our Nubian Nation

The point of This Blog

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 18:37:53 GMT

I have been writing feverishly, while I am supposed to be vacationing. I decided in contemplation on the various subjects that plague people of color, including Black Family dysfuction and problems in Black relations needed to be examined together.

Remember, Black Family Dysfunction is based upon Personal Dysfunction. In relationships we tend to carry that personal dysfunction into the relationship and as it grows, so do the issues you came with and there you have it...black family dysfunction.

My blog on healing from personal dysfunction is called "Take Deep Breaths and move on" http://www.xanga.com/takedeepbreaths This blog will undergo major overhauls as we explore as a collective how to identify those issues which are the root of personal dysfunction and take a holistic approach to healing the mind, body and soul.

Blessings